I’m a pretty laid-back guy and don’t often succumb to nerd rage. In fact, I kind of like Ewoks (especially when served with BBQ sauce) and I don’t even hate Gungans (except Jar-Jar).
But there’s one little blight of ignorance floating around that never fails to grind my gears. If you ever want to start a fistfight with me, skip the mamma jokes and the shoving, because your best chance is simply to utter these four words:
Boba Fett is dead.
Well, I mean, of course he’s dead because it all happened long, long ago (in a galaxy far, far away), but what I mean is that he didn’t die in the sarlaac pit. It’s simply impossible.
Now some will argue on my side because in various books and other franchises he arises, Messiah-like, to continue hunting bounties. But if it doesn’t happen on-screen it isn’t cannon. The same goes true for people who point to the Robot Chicken episodes showing his hapless attempts to escape and his squabbles with his fellow digestees.
I make my argument strictly based on canonical movies. In celebration of May the Fourth (be with you), here are my four air-tight reasons why Boba Fett would never succumb to a little thing like a sarlaac.
1. Jango Fett
Okay, yeah, I admit Jango is dead. Decapitation is clearly a career-ending injury, even for a Fett. But we have no such clear evidence for Boba: don’t count him out until you find the body and cross-check dental and DNA evidence.
It takes the sarlaac 1,000 years to digest its prey. That’s a lot of time for my man to work his magic. Plus, he’s got armor, which should add at least another couple of decades to the time limit.
3. Screw Driver
Broken rocket pack? No problem. Boba shoots missiles out of his wrist, a scope in his helmet, and a belt full of other gizmos. It’s a statistical certainty that he’s got a screwdriver somewhere on his person. It’s a simple formula: broken jet pack + screwdriver = fixed jet pack.
4. Sarlaac Snack
So what if the sarlaac is holding him in there, wrapping him up with tentacles? For starters, you saw the tentacles: they’re ropey and skinny, easily cut with a laser. Second, the sarlaac is accustomed to feeding on two or three sacrificial victims at a time. That day it got a whole smorgasbord of Jabba’s men. All its tentacles are going to be occupied holding onto the likes of Klatu and Verata (and, yes, Nictu as well). When the Fett starts to put up a fight, the sarlaac is simply going to be too preoccupied to give him much resistance.
So now you see that this debate can be decisively resolved through logic and mature discussion. Also, anyone who disagrees is a poopy-headed Gungan.
May the Force be with you!