Everybody wants to send humans to Mars but nobody wants to pay for it. Here’s my modest proposal: make the first space colony a celebrity reality show.

NASA is always complaining that budget cuts have been hard on them. But what have they done to earn the tiny fraction of a percent of our tax dollars that they once received? I mean, besides provide satellite technology, remote-explore Mars, keep the country on the cutting edge of technology, provide jobs, and seek out answers to the fundamental questions about our planet and our universe. If you ignore all that stuff, it’s pretty clear they need to start earning their keep.

 

The American Way

NASA can get funding the American way. No, not through hard work and ingenuity—geez, what America are you thinking of? I mean the REAL American way, which means trashy television that seeks out the worst people among us and rewards them with fame and fortune.

All they need to do is follow the example of so many basic cable networks: simply gather up a bunch of D-list celebrities, has-been singers, and talentless sex-pots, put them in a confined space (like a space ship) and let the cameras roll.

I’d tune in to see that. Heck, I’d even watch the webisode extras.

 

Vote ‘Em Off

Better still would be if we, as viewers, could vote for who goes. It would be kind of like American Idol in that we get to call in for our favorites, but also like survivor in that we’re voting them off the figurative island. And this time “the island” is planet Earth.

I don’t know about you, but I think people like the Kardashians aren’t doing anything down here except using up perfectly good oxygen, so we might as well send them to some other planet to do that.

Even if they wouldn’t be any more useful in space, at least it would be hilarious to see them trying to operate a zero-gee toilet.

See? Wouldn’t NASA be better off resorting to these kinds of stunts in order to maintain their operating budget? I think the answer is obvious.

 

Tell me what you think of my modest proposal in a comment.

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I’m a mad scientist, and I want to be your president.*

Yes, I am one of THOSE mad scientists who creates insane doomsday machines and crazy lizard monsters, but I stand before you (or, rather, sit before my keyboard if you want to get all literal) to tell you that I’m also mad in the sense that I’m angry. Very angry. And just this once I think I’ll try politics before resorting to flying cyborg monkeys.

For too long the two major parties have ignored the important scientific issues that touch each and every one of us personally. No longer! With your support, I intend to lead America to a brighter, shinier future with far, far more robots and more flying cars. But more importantly, far less stupidity.

As a candidate in this election, I hope to shift the debate away from such petty, abstract issues such as the economy and gerrymandering, and shift it towards the real, important things that will change our lives today and in the future. Here are some of the issues I intend to stump for:

• Economy: we can’t afford to outsource our scientific future. Let’s make a particle collider so big it’ll give Europe boson-envy.
• Healthcare: why you’re a freaking idiot if you don’t vaccinate your child.
• International diplomacy: building better doomsday devices.
• Military: robot soldiers are the way to go.
• Global climate change: 98% of scientists never agree about anything… but they agree about this. What does that tell you?
• NASA: We now pay the Russians to fly our astronauts into space. Are you frakking kidding me? We can do better!

I’m sick and tired of politicians on both sides pandering to the denialists and distracting the public with petty social squabbles. Science is our burden, our mess, and our best hope for a better future. If you agree, tweet this, post this, email it, and leave me comments. The important thing is that you tell your friends, tell your co-workers, and tell your political leaders.

Let’s bring science back into the public debate.

AMERICA CAN’T AFFORD TO IGNORE ITS MAD SCIENTISTS ANY LONGER.

 

*I’m not really a scientist or a politician. This is a work of social satire. Don’t actually vote for me: if I really wanted your vote, I’d use my mind-control ray.