I’m a mad scientist, and I want to be your president*
On this day of July 4th, I hope you have a chance to celebrate the birth of our nation with your loved ones, grilled food, and some spectacular explosions. I would also ask that you consider the greatness of our country, and how we can make it even better.
For more than seventy years, America—and indeed the world—has been held back by relentless gridlock between two powerful factions governing our lives. No, I’m not talking about the petty squabbling between Democrats and Republicans—that doesn’t really matter because after I declare myself emperor I will dissolve the parties and… wait, I mean, I LOVE democracy and… oh, sticklebats. I shouldn’t have said that. Where’s my memory-erasing ray? Ah:
Now that you’re blissfully unaware of what I just said, let me get to the point: General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics have been at odds for too long. The trouble is that these theories simply refuse to co-exist. Relativity, Einstein’s ground-breaking discovery, governs things of vast size and speed, such as planets, stars, and rays of light. Quantum Mechanics oversees much smaller matters, zeroing in on issues that even atoms would need magnifying glasses to perceive. According to each theory, the other cannot work. But they both do.
I think I speak for all Americans when I say: WTF?
Normally, these two explanations of the universe are perfectly happy so long as they’re segregated, but in places that are infinitely massive and infinitely small—that is, black holes—they come together in a way we currently can’t explain.
This has led to cheap jabs and name-calling. “God doesn’t play dice with the universe,” Einstein famously said to deride quantum mechanics. “Read the data and weep, fuzzy-head,” Richard Feynman probably didn’t respond.
Isn’t it time we moved past this segregation of cosmic mechanics? It indicates that there’s something that both parties are missing, some critical element in our understanding of the universe that we have yet to achieve. When we figure it out, there’s no telling what it might unlock. Teleportation? Free energy? Parallel universes where Michael Bay movies are intellectually stimulating? The potentials are thrilling.
In order to figure it out, we’re probably going to need a great big particle collider. I mean really big—so big, it’ll give the good people at CERN boson-envy.
The trouble is that the U.S. currently has no plans for making a super-collider or much of anything else that can help us plumb the mysteries of the universe. We’re also making pitifully poor advances in fusion and other super-science that could help build these colliders as well as fix the energy crisis for the common citizen. Research towards these goals will improve our future and provide jobs today.
You want spectacular explosions that will really celebrate the greatness of this nation? Then let’s get cracking on a new particle accelerator. When elected, I will reach across the aisle and help bring these two theories together. A vote for me is a vote for unity.
EDIT: Just this morning (7/4/2012), CERN researchers announced that they have found a new particle which they believe is the elusive Higgs Boson. This momentous discovery confirms some of our understanding of matter in the universe and will open up new lines of inquiry for further discoveries.
Even though this took place before I will take office, as a politician I’m prepared to take full credit for supporting this discovery.
AMERICA CAN’T AFFORD TO IGNORE ITS MAD SCIENTISTS ANY LONGER.
*I’m not really a scientist or a politician. This is a work of social satire. Don’t actually vote for me: if I really wanted your vote, I’d just use my mind-control ray.