I’m a mad scientist, and I need a running mate.
I am currently vetting potential vice-presidential candidates to accompany me on the road to the White House. I started by talking to Sammy, who was featured in the rollicking sci-fi adventure Wastes of Space by Darcy Town. Here’s how the interview went.
A word of warning: for a spaceship, Sammy has a heck of a mouth. Parental discretion is advised.
The omni-talented Darcy Town wrote a book about you. What can you tell us about yourself and that book?
Of course she wrote a book about me, my life is too good not to write about. And thanks for considering me for your vice, heh…vice, by the way. I’m the obvious choice, and it’s great that a guy like you can see that. That gives me a good feeling about this future partnership. I’m all about recognizing potential. Like mypotential. I’m a natural candidate, basically bred for this prez shit. My father’s the current president of the American Empire, if you didn’t know that, but I bet you knew that.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s a total douche, but he’s been a great example of what not to do…like be a lame fascist. If you’re going to be a fascist be awesome about it. That’s one of my mottos, trademarked and shit.
Total American hero right here, full package. Astronaut…check. Hot babe…check. Can multitask like a boss…check. Yeah that’s all I need, right? Right.
I should probably mention that I’m currently a ship. That’s right; my brain is running a spaceship. My fleshy body is sort of…in a coma right now, but that’s just small details. Really, it’s not even a detail. It is a tiny footnote that no one will even notice. I promise. And I’m going to be healed soon anyways.
Don’t forget to mention that I have a hot girlfriend. Make sure everyone knows that. She has a giant rack, huge titties. She’ll be great for TV ratings.
America faces many threats, ranging from disjointed terrorist cells to rising military powers in Asia and Europe. If elected, how would you respond to these threats?
Nuke them from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure. Wait, that’s not popular to do anymore. Never mind. New solution from my computer brain to be forthcoming…
Reports indicate that the economy is recovering, but not quickly. What would you do to fix America’s money woes?
Ah! Solution to the previous problem also solves this problem! Listen up…Gladiator-style death arenas for the terrorist cells. It’ll be televised. We’ll sell advertising spots and put it at prime time. A moneymaker that saves the world? That’s the American way…the right way
What is your stance on global climate change and what, if anything, should we do to prepare for it?
Global climate change? That sounds bad, but I have a friend that’ll handle that problem. He’s a Terraformer, deserts to rainforests in a snap of his green fingers. Climates? No big deal. Earth woes solved. But only if I’m elected. He comes with me. Package deal, man.
Education is a topic that is important to nearly all voting mad scientists. Many politicians talk about this, but few seem willing to make any changes. What would you like to do with America’s youth?
Fucking force those bitches into cadet school, every single one of them. You want to be rad? Get educated. Fail your classes? Corporal punishment.
I was trained since I was six years old, taken away to live on an airbase in Texas and I turned out perfect. So I say we replace these public schools with military branches. Train the kids to grow up and be soldiers. Smart soldiers of course.
Recent hot-button issues such as gay marriage and military service have brought homosexual civil rights to the center of the American political arena. What is your stance on these issues?
Seeing as how I am a chick, I like to bang chicks, and I enjoy watching other chicks bang chicks; it’s a topic real close to my heart. Not to mention my best little buddy is gayer than a fruitcake for men. Actually, I think half of my squad is less than straight in some way or another and one of them is a virgin if you can believe that shit. So…I’m all about sexiness everywhere and in everything. People need to chill out about marriage and let everyone just do their own thing and be happy. Seriously, bigger issues out there…like China, Russia, and the aliens surrounding our planet. Those have to be dealt with. Am I right? No need to answer. I know I’m right.
If you were a dinosaur, what kind of dinosaur would you be and why?
This is the best question. I would have said Tyrannosaurus until I became a ship. Being a ship has really changed my perspective. For one, it’s fucking rad. I’ll pick a Pterodactyl, but I’d be better than a regular one. I’d be huge and I’d eat all the other winged guys. Oh, and I’d drop rocks on the T-Rex…no one gets to be bigger than me.
New Earth, one nation under Sammy!
What do you think, world: would Sammy make a good running mate for a mad scientist?
Want to read more about Sammy? Check out Wastes of Space