My fellow Mad-Scientist Americans,
Every candidate for president must address the national defense, and I am no exception. My vision for the future of our military is simple: robots. If war must be waged, let it be waged by remote control.
I want to take nothing away from the incredibly hard-working and amazingly brave men and women in our armed forces today, and I also want to make clear that the need for human soldiers will not simply disappear as our armored androids roll off the factory floor and into the battlefields of the 21st century. I simply wish to propose that the best way to fight a war is when the enemy never gets a chance to shoot at your people.
Remember the old peacenik question “what if they held a war and nobody showed up?” We’re getting closer to being able to find the answer, because our people can stay safely in a bunker miles and miles away from the danger, safely guiding devices such as the Predator UAV on reconnaissance and attack missions without jeopardizing any of our own people.
An unfair advantage?
As a wise old martial arts teacher once told me: “if you’re in a fair fight, you’ve planned it badly.” I say we plan our wars really, really well.
Developing this technology is expensive, but it saves more than it costs in terms of medical treatment and suffering for soldiers and their families. What is more, this technology drives the innovations of the future, and perhaps someday all dangerous jobs—from disarming bombs to milking rattlesnakes—might be outsourced to our silicone friends.
Peace on Earth (War on the Moon)
If elected president, I’ll take us all one step farther by establishing agreements to have our military robots fight the other side’s military robots, so that no human beings are ever in danger. By mutual agreement, we can hold all combat far away from civilian population centers—in fact, I say we do our brawling on the moon where there’s no chance of collateral damage and anyone with a telescope can enjoy the show.
So what if the other country loses but doesn’t submit? Well, if we can beat their bots on the moon, there’s nothing stopping us from bringing them back to earth and beating the other guy in person. It’s in their interest to play by the rules.
What about terrorists who try to bypass our military to take things out on innocents? With all the added advances in tactical robots, they’re going to be in for increasingly nasty surprises as our robots get smaller, harder to detect, and ever more vigilant.
Robot superiority means national superiority.
A VOTE FOR MAD SCIENTISTS IS A VOTE FOR PEACEFUL ROBOT VIOLENCE.
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