I’m a mad scientist, and I want to be your president.*
Yes, I am one of THOSE mad scientists who creates insane doomsday machines and crazy lizard monsters, but I stand before you (or, rather, sit before my keyboard if you want to get all literal) to tell you that I’m also mad in the sense that I’m angry. Very angry. And just this once I think I’ll try politics before resorting to flying cyborg monkeys.
For too long the two major parties have ignored the important scientific issues that touch each and every one of us personally. No longer! With your support, I intend to lead America to a brighter, shinier future with far, far more robots and more flying cars. But more importantly, far less stupidity.
As a candidate in this election, I hope to shift the debate away from such petty, abstract issues such as the economy and gerrymandering, and shift it towards the real, important things that will change our lives today and in the future. Here are some of the issues I intend to stump for:
- Economy: we can’t afford to outsource our scientific future. Let’s make a particle collider so big it’ll give Europe boson-envy.
- Healthcare: why you’re a freaking idiot if you don’t vaccinate your child.
- International diplomacy: building better doomsday devices.
- Military: robot soldiers are the way to go.
- Global climate change: 98% of scientists never agree about anything… but they agree about this. What does that tell you?
- NASA: We now pay the Russians to fly our astronauts into space. Are you frakking kidding me? We can do better!
I’m sick and tired of politicians on both sides pandering to the denialists and distracting the public with petty social squabbles. Science is our burden, our mess, and our best hope for a better future. If you agree, tweet this, post this, email it, and leave me comments. The important thing is that you tell your friends, tell your co-workers, and tell your political leaders.
Let’s bring science back into the public debate.
AMERICA CAN’T AFFORD TO IGNORE ITS MAD SCIENTISTS ANY LONGER.
*I’m not really a scientist or a politician. This is a work of social satire. Don’t actually vote for me: if I really wanted your vote, I’d use my mind-control ray.